you can probably figure that i'm feeling rather depressed but what can i do? i feel utterly powerless, and for the first time in my life, i come to this point and realise that i will not be able to study anymore because i don't have the money. isn't that sad? isn't that unfair? all these time i've thought and dreamt of going there, studying in that humongous library, taking in the smell of the books, old books that are perhaps falling apart or laminated badly. but i realised that was not a realistic plan, it all seemed too easy, and too good to be true for it to happen in few months' time, and now, reality hits me, and i can't go anymore. i haven't been able to sleep for several nights now, constantly thinking of ways that may allow me to go there despite of the lack of funds: maybe i could work very hard while stuyding, and perhaps i could afford the expensive rent and tuition fees? perhaps i could stay home, saving the rent, while travelling to school 4 hours a day? at least it would be cheaper than the rent, definitely. there were many more ridiculous and unrealistic alternatives that i have thought of, but perhaps i should not list them out here, so as to preserve my dignity in this space.